Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Self Reflection-Day 2

                                     What are you passionate about?

What am I passionate about? I would have to say my faith in God, my family and raising my kids to be strong christian men that will lead this world some day, my eBay selling (SharonRosax4 if you want to check it out), reading (need to get better about this again and get off my phone), not really much else that I can think of it at the moment.

Sad isn't it? Here I am almost 39 years old and I'm only really passionate about a few things. You would think by this point in my life I would be gung ho about a whole lot more.

I don't even really know why I hold onto this blog since I have a personal private one I write in about my family and the things we do and the accomplishments my kids do. Maybe it's because I am still at my age looking for something that I am not getting. What that thing is I do not know.
Maybe unconditional love, maybe friendship, maybe a closer walk with God, maybe all three I have no idea.
 What ever it is that my heart is longing for though I wish I could find out soon and get it. This not knowing, this hurting when I think of my high school reunion picnic and how I wished it had been different for me is hurting too much.

Listen to me ramble on and on like a little kid that didn't get her way in the candy aisle.
I don't know what is going on with me lately but between my marriage feeling like it is falling apart, my kids growing up and what I feel is not respecting me, my high school friends and non friends ignoring me and shoving me mentally back to that place I was 20 years ago, and to top it off lately feeling like I have no one I can really talk to it hurts.

  Yes I have one friend who over the last two years of getting to know her has been great but lately it seems like even she is pulling away from me. I mean Sunday she made a joke about my curly hair and if I get scared it gets curlier. And I know on the surface that it was a joke but it was just the wrong thing at that wrong time and with every other thing going on right now it hurt.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Challenging questions to self reflection-Day 1

I have been wanting to do a 30 day blogger challenge again for quite some time but I can not for the life of me find one that I like so I have come up with a solution.
I will post one question on here from an article I found and answer it.
It may be hard hitting and emotionally raw or it may be silly and funny (no clue just saw a few questions did not read them all) and I am hoping by doing this that I can "find myself" again.
If you want to answer them also or comment on mine please feel free too.
I have been noticing there are no comments on my page anymore which is honestly sad.
So anyway not to bore you with anymore details here goes day 1.

                                                  Day 1:
  1. Who are you?
Who am I? That's really why I am sitting here typing this up asking myself someone else's questions is it not? I am a person who loves to laugh and loves to learn. A person who wants to raise a happy family even though I don't think that is happening right now.
The question will have to for now remain mostly unanswered because for now that is exactly who I am trying to find.

You Can NEVER Go Back

No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you may want it, no matter how much you might pray for it you can't go back.

   There is no magical time machine, no magical pill, no magical juice that you drink. There is nothing out there at all that can help you go back to a time in your life where you were happy.
There is no special formula that helps you realize as you are sitting in your happy moment right now to grab onto it and hold on for dear life because in twenty years everything and I do mean everything will be different.

  I wish there was some way that this was different but there is not.
Nothing will ever stay the same.
People grow up and people change and at times we all say we will keep in touch but the truth is that very rarely if ever happens.

   Even in families when a loved one dies all the family members gather around and say how sorry for your loss and they will always be there for you and then you bury your loved one and the next day, next week, or even the next month your same family and friends that said they would always be there for you are no where to be found.
  I myself am guilty of this. I think all of us are.
If we have families of our own (especially with kids) we get so wrapped up in them we forget our promise.

  Elementary school friends grow up and become junior high friends junior high friends become high school friends if we are lucky. Very rarely do those same elementary school friends grow up to become our high school or even college and beyond friends.
People change and things are never the same.

I miss all my old friends.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

The unpopular opinion

September 11, 2001 the day the world stood still.
September 11, 1997 the day MY world stood still.
They say that 9/11 is the worst day in history and a day that we will never forget and that IS true however on that same day 4 years earlier everything I thought was right with the world, everything I thought was comfortable and would always be there left.
That is the day I watched my mom who had fought the cancer demon for 5 long years take her last breath.
The day that will forever be in my mind a turning point. A point when I realize I could no longer live my life as a normal life.
No my life was now split with that always invisible curtain.
The curtain of before my mom's death and after my mom's death. Better known as life happy and life sad. Life normal and life forever changed.
Before: I lived my life raising my son and working to provide for him.
After: I still did the above but now I would not get to see my mom every day as you see I worked with her.
I now had to face a reality that no one no matter how young or old should have to face. The reality of never hearing my mom's voice, never seeing her laughter, never hearing her pray for me, never watching her hold my son.
Life is forever changed.
So yes while I do grieve this day 13 years ago and feel for all those people whose loved ones died that terrible day my world stopped 4 years before that.
Forgive me when I see the pretty little pictures people post all over the internet at this time every year.
Never Forget: Well of course not who could forget something like that?
Forgive me though because when I see those pictures I think one of two things.
1) I will never forget my mom
2) The world will never forget my mom.
Yes I know the majority of the world did not know my mom but I can almost guarantee that someone out that knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who was touched by my mom's faithful prayer or kind words.
9-11-1997...I will NEVER forget mom. I LOVE YOU.