Thursday, November 15, 2012

Freedom comes from forgiving

     Lately with my husband's mother trying to pop back up in our lives after being out for a little over 11 years I've come to one conclusion. I have NOT forgiven her for what she did all those years ago to us (me) and my babies.
She tried to destroy my marriage, she tried to destroy my family, she tried to destroy the bond I have with my boys, she tried to destroy the bond my boys have with eachother.
And no it didn't succeed however it sure does feel like it lately.
Here I sit watching out my front door almost expecting her to show up unannounced (she does after all live at the end of our street).
Here I am expecting her to show up at our church and try to cause problems (because she did after all ask my husband when our church starts)
It's like ever since last month when my husband went to her house to get the pictures she gave him (that he was suppose to originally get in March) I feel nothing but unrest and discord. There is no peace in my heart.
It's almost like I'm expecting the boogeyman to jump out of the shadows and scream BOOOOO!!!!!
I have asked God to help me forgive her for what she did even though I KNOW she is NOT remorseful for it and I know she will never apologize to me for it.
I know that I can never forgive her no matter what because I am human and I honestly don't like her. If I never see her again it will be too soon but for some strange reason my husband wants a relationship with her.  It's like he is trying to befriend the enemy.
Why? I can't figure it out. He has spent almost the last 6 years convincing me that I don't need my dad and that he loves me and wishes he could have stopped my dad from hurting me all those growing up years. He tells me that he loves me and that I'm all he needs and even though our parents that we adored are dead (his dad my mom) that we have eachother and we will get through anything. But now all of a sudden I'm no longer good enough for him and he needs mommy too. Mommy? Seriously the same woman that tried to get our kids taken away, the same woman that won't claim our oldest son, the same woman that called me a witch (insert a B here), the same woman that to this day claims she was trying to do what was best for our youngest, the same woman that when he told her I didn't want her at our house rolled her eyes? That woman? That's the woman you want to have a relationship with? The same woman that I can just about guarantee knew you were cheating on me and didn't care? The same woman that told him he shouldn't marry me because I wasn't good enough for him AFTER we were already married for over a year?
The same woman that did so much more stuff and said so much more stuff that I can't sit here and write it all or I'll be here until dinner time.
That's the woman you want to let back in your life?
You do realize that everytime you go down to see her you come back mean and cranky? My kids don't deserve that and I won't allow it.
So here's the thing I doubt that she will ever apologize to me and TRULY mean it so I have decided to give it to God everyday because without him directing me and holding me up I'm likely to go down there and tell her off and tell her to never come back around.
So please God help me with this because I feel like I'm the one losing.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Past & present collide

What do you do when someone from your past suddenly shows up in your present and threatens to destroy your future?
What do you do when the person who shows up is your mother-in-law?
A woman who you gave chance after chance until she threatened to have your children taken away and accused you of lies. Lies that could have gotten your kids taken away and never brought back.
What do you do when your husband is trying to reconnect with her despite for years saying he wanted nothing to do with her?

How do you get past the anger and hatred you have buried so deep inside for 11 years that even you didn't know it was there?
 How do you forgive when you don't know if you can?
How do you forgive when even now she is making little digs at you?
When she is still after all this time making herself out to be the victim when the true victims are me and my babies?

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I love you

If only the above were true for everyone. Unfortunately it's not and sometimes even people who marry with the best of intentions slack off and end up alone. Or at least emotionally alone.