How would I describe myself?
A month ago I would have said lazy, worthless, ugly, stupid, unworthy of love, a failure that God created with no real purpose in life.
Today I would say there is not really any way to describe me except a creation that God created that is still a work in progress.
Do I still think of myself as all the above mentioned?
To be honest I still have my moments but I am getting better.
I am starting to realize that I am NOT perfect and that is perfectly okay.
After much talking to David (ok more like having it out time and time again) I have come to the realization that I have always known I was not perfect HOWEVER after he cheated on me I immediately starting wondering all the questions most women and probably men start thinking after they find out the one they love, the one they pledge their life to and think will never hurt them hurts them in the worst way possible.
Is she better than me? Better in bed? A better mom? A better cook? A better housekeeper? Funnier, prettier, a better everything?
The answer is usually a big resounding NO but our minds don't think that way at all. They go straight to the "truth" of the matter. If I was prettier, skinnier, better at making him happy, he would have never strayed in the first place.
That is so far from the truth. If he wants to be an idiot and throw away what he has with you he will no matter what.
Anyway back to why I believe I was having these moments. Because after I found out he had cheated (and not just once but a 7 month long relationship) he came back (after 3 months of living with her) and I automatically went into perfection mode.
I became the "perfect" wife, the "perfect" mom the "perfect" whatever he needed me to be. I spent so much time making sure I was perfect for him I lost sight of who I was created by God to be.
I no longer know who I am or who I am suppose to be but I am starting to find that out again.
I have decided that I am NOT perfect and I do not want to be or pretend to be anymore.
I want to be the godly woman I was created to be with all my faults.
I cry too easily, I get angry sometimes over the stupidest things, I have no patience whatsoever, I would rather lounge around the house reading or watching tv more than I would clean (and yes the house still gets clean even if I hate doing it), I hate to cook with a passion (but yes again it still gets done),
The point is that even though I have things that are imperfect about me that does not make me a failure.
I know however I need to find out things about myself. Things I have never gotten a chance to recognize about myself before I was thrust into the "perfect world".
I love to read, I love to be with my babies, I love to journal, I love to list online, I love to go watch a good (although cheap) movie, I love to hike in the summer, I love to take pictures.
I am only 39 years old and I have a whole life ahead of me to "get it right".
You know what the sad part of all of this is though? He cheated on me from September of 1999 to April 2000. So for 15 years I have been hiding who I truly am to make someone else happy.
I am not saying that I regret staying married to him but I do regret losing myself for someone else. From now on I am going to take time out for me.