Hey everyone hope you all are having a great week and a great year.
This year has been trying on my family (although last year was worst)
Just stopping in to say hi.
If you happen to read this drop a comment and say hi.
If I was sick and dying and you held in your possession the cure to heal me and save my life but you wanted to hold onto it because it was comfortable and you can't part with it does that make you mean and vindictive?
If a person needs help and you know exactly what they need to be all better why would you not help?
Why would you be stubborn and say I'm so sorry when you know full well you are not sorry?
Or is this an answer to the prayer I prayed not even 10-15 minutes before you said what you said?
God I really need help.
For the 2nd time in so many months I am sitting here wondering who ordered the chinese food and had it sent to my house?
I actually find it kind of creepy. Not because someone mistakenly wrote down my address for food but because it is the 2nd time it has happened and from the SAME chinese restaurant.
It makes you wonder what the heck is going on over there and who is ordering it.
Never in the whole time (15 years) that we have lived here has anyone ordered anything but pizza.
Creepy? Oh yeah!!!!
Sitting here tonight just wondering how can it possibly be 2016 already?
I mean seriously it just seems like yesterday I was cuddled up next to my mom laying in bed while she read me a story (telling her if she skipped a word) and now here I am a 40 year old adult with a husband and a son that will be 15 in less than 2 weeks and another who will be 21 in September.
How is it possible that when you are a child you think it takes forever for life to hurry up and then you hit your late 20s or early 30s and the next thing you know you are begging life to slow down.
If I had known then what I know now I would have cherished my mom more. I would have been less caring if people liked me or not. I would have realized a long time ago that life is what you make it and I would have......done everything exactly as I have. I mean after all I would never and could never replace my wonderful boys for anything this world has to offer.
If you have little ones who are still cuddling up next to you on the couch watching tv or asking you to turn the tv off and play with them might I suggest you do it because if you blink they grow up too fast.
If not for her I wouldn't be the person I am today.
If not for her I wouldn't be where I am today.
If not for her I wouldn't be the angry person I am today.
If not for her I wouldn't have fought so long and so hard
to be nothing like her.
Yes I love her with all my heart but she is toxic and I
can no longer be around her.
I am not a foot stool that you can step up on,
I am not a toy that you can take off a shelf and play
with when it's convenient for you.
I am not a dreamer chasing a pipe dream of "her and me".
I can finally see her for what she truly is,
I can finally see her for what she has put me through,
I can finally see her for what she expects me to be.
I can no longer be those things.
I am free from torment,
I am free from pleasing her,
I am free from that pipe dream.
I am so much more than she can see.
Thank you "sister."
No one ever told me it would be this hard. No one ever told me that when you give birth to a child you no longer live for only yourself or that you would forever wear your heart on your sleeve. No one ever told me that having a child meant a lifetime of sleepless nights and endless prayers.
No one ever told me that on the first day of kindergarten you would cry because you miss them like crazy and can't believe they are just so big. No one ever told me that on the last day of senior year you would cry because you miss that kindergarten day when you thought they were so big when in reality they were so tiny.
No one ever told me that I would be sitting here on the last day of school and wish I could go back to simpler times. Times when my babies were babies and not half grown men.
When the boys were small I used to get so stressed about everything. If their hair wasn't brushed right, if they got dirty, if they did not use their manners properly. Now here I sit all these years later and I realize you can never get yesterday back so enjoy it while you can because if you blink it will disappear never to be seen again.
What are your values? What do you represent? What do you want to embody? When I started this journey of answering these 101 (yes there are 101) questions I did it because I was at the end of my rope and going through a major depression. All these months later I am only on question number 7 because I am so busy on any given day that I don't make time to come here. I need to change that. yes I'm aware I say that a lot. Anyway on to the question: My values are God & my faith, my family, my marriage and myself. I think I have learned that if I don't start valuing (sp?) myself that I will never get out of the depression I sank into. Second: What do I represent? Not really sure I understand this question fully but I like to think I represent my family. Meaning when my kids go out of the house they represent how I raised them and in that same way I represent them. What do I want to embody? Again not sure I know the anwser to that right now.
A month ago I would have said lazy, worthless, ugly, stupid, unworthy of love, a failure that God created with no real purpose in life.
Today I would say there is not really any way to describe me except a creation that God created that is still a work in progress.
Do I still think of myself as all the above mentioned?
To be honest I still have my moments but I am getting better.
I am starting to realize that I am NOT perfect and that is perfectly okay.
After much talking to David (ok more like having it out time and time again) I have come to the realization that I have always known I was not perfect HOWEVER after he cheated on me I immediately starting wondering all the questions most women and probably men start thinking after they find out the one they love, the one they pledge their life to and think will never hurt them hurts them in the worst way possible.
Is she better than me? Better in bed? A better mom? A better cook? A better housekeeper? Funnier, prettier, a better everything?
The answer is usually a big resounding NO but our minds don't think that way at all. They go straight to the "truth" of the matter. If I was prettier, skinnier, better at making him happy, he would have never strayed in the first place.
That is so far from the truth. If he wants to be an idiot and throw away what he has with you he will no matter what.
Anyway back to why I believe I was having these moments. Because after I found out he had cheated (and not just once but a 7 month long relationship) he came back (after 3 months of living with her) and I automatically went into perfection mode.
I became the "perfect" wife, the "perfect" mom the "perfect" whatever he needed me to be. I spent so much time making sure I was perfect for him I lost sight of who I was created by God to be.
I no longer know who I am or who I am suppose to be but I am starting to find that out again.
I have decided that I am NOT perfect and I do not want to be or pretend to be anymore.
I want to be the godly woman I was created to be with all my faults.
I cry too easily, I get angry sometimes over the stupidest things, I have no patience whatsoever, I would rather lounge around the house reading or watching tv more than I would clean (and yes the house still gets clean even if I hate doing it), I hate to cook with a passion (but yes again it still gets done),
The point is that even though I have things that are imperfect about me that does not make me a failure.
I know however I need to find out things about myself. Things I have never gotten a chance to recognize about myself before I was thrust into the "perfect world".
I love to read, I love to be with my babies, I love to journal, I love to list online, I love to go watch a good (although cheap) movie, I love to hike in the summer, I love to take pictures.
I am only 39 years old and I have a whole life ahead of me to "get it right".
You know what the sad part of all of this is though? He cheated on me from September of 1999 to April 2000. So for 15 years I have been hiding who I truly am to make someone else happy.
I am not saying that I regret staying married to him but I do regret losing myself for someone else. From now on I am going to take time out for me.